Episode 04: Surrendering to Spirit

“There is no freedom without power”

We are back with a special guest/cousin/kin, Tenisha, to discuss surrendering to spirit.

We talk about our exploring our spiritual power & purpose, our spiritual paths & gifts, loving ourselves, realigning to the truth that we are already free, and more! Through their spiritual practice and vulnerability, Tenisha poignantly teaches us that the pursuit of liberation is not the pursuit of a new thing, but rather a realignment to the truth.

Listen here to learn more!

You can find Tenisha on Instagram at @itsjusttenisha or @theenglishway_doc.

Introduction [00:16]

[Brendane] Hello and welcome to black.loved.free., a spiritual-political podcast dedicated to Black spirituality, healing, and Black liberation.

I am your host, Brendane; a reluctant anthropologist, student of Black and African indigenous spirituality, and an energy healer.

Today, we have our first guest on the podcast, Tenisha. Now y'all Tenisha and I go way, way back. So in our conversation today, we explore hella shit. Well, we known each other for a few years, we've seen each other through a few things. And so today we're going to talk about exploring our spiritual power, our spiritual purpose and finding our way back to freedom.

But before we get started, I want to say thank you to everyone who has donated to the podcast so far. Like I said, every lil cent matters here. It keeps the proverbial lights on. And if you would like to give to the podcast, visit our website: blacklovedandfreepodcast.com to donate.

If you want to give us feedback or suggest topics for a future episode, write us at blacklovedandfreepodcast@gmail.com or send us a DM on IG @blacklovedandfree.

So without further ado, let's go ahead and get into it.

Welcome to our conversation on surrendering to spirit.

Well Tenisha thank you for joining me today. I'm gonna go ahead and read your bio, so the folks who are listening know exactly what the fuck you are and know where to find you of course. So Tenisha with a diverse film background and a penchant for docu-style storytelling. Tenisha uses they/them pronouns, blends heartfelt curiosity and spirituality into their roles as a writer, filmmaker, and director. Tenisha is dedicated to delving into the depths of the human experience, to unravel the complexities of our shared humanity, as they deeply believe that feeling at home in your skin is the first step to maintaining our shared freedom. Which, honey... *snaps fingers* snap snap, snap snap to that!

Drawing from their experience honed in a debut docu-series silhouette social (@silhouettesocial), they now embark on the journey to complete their feature length documentary, The English way. A film that explores the cost of fulfilling your purpose. So you can find Tenisha on Instagram @theenglishway_doc. And @itsjusttenisha. And we'll be sure to leave those in the show notes.

But yeah, I guess maybe we should talk first about like how we even crossed paths with each other. How the Most High brought us even into the same space. Because some of y'all might be like, "Wait, how do you even find a documentary film maker writer?" like you know, just know I'm a Gemini. I be out here.

[Tenisha] And when I found you, you were in fact out there, okay?

[Brendane] I was. I was out okay, I was. But yes, we met at a friend's brunch. A birthday brunch, actually, in Brooklyn.

At a Caribbean spot that I think is still open. I think it survived COVID.

[Tenisha] Yeah. There was like a little swing inside. From what I remember the food was pretty good.

[Brendane] The food was pretty good. It was like oxtail for like $30. I do remember that. That was back when I was like, my grad school budget was, it was something but we were there eating our oxtail swinging.

[Tenisha] Swinging. Drinking our mimosas. I had just come up on some money. It's so crazy, because that night that the night before, and I tell my partner this all the time - I was like "I met you and B in the same weekend" like because the night before I literally, literally like met my partner. There's a whole story behind that ended up in the ER but that's their story to tell. Ended up in the ER and so by the time I came to that brunch, I was considerably hungover. I just need you to know that I was considerably hungover and literally recycled my makeup from the night before because I just didn't have it on me that day. And so, and then, I see this phenomenal person sit at the table. I'm just like, who is this person? Were you were in a black cat suit?

[Brendane] I was definitely wearing a black bodysuit. It was definitely giving hot girl. Before I really knew what that meant. Yes.

[Tenisha] Yes. That was the beginning of the era of "hot girl", before the term was coined, yes. And that's the only time we met in person.

[Brendane] I think so. Yeah. Because you took this really great boomerang of me. And that one, it was, its still on the page. If you see me on my page, in a black leather top, I'm on a swing. That was all Tenisha's work. And I was like, Okay, we're gonna stay in touch-we really hit it off. Like, and we've been staying in touch on Instagram ever since.

And both have been on our own kind of spiritual journeys really since then, too. And definitely, Tenisha has been a source of support, source of guidance. Just someone that I can really look up to in this and so I just like, I'm so thankful that they decided to join me on the mic today. So excited.

[Tenisha] So excited to be here, and I'm a little nasally y'all , a lil nasally. Forgive the throat chakra. That's what I get. That's what I get. Throat chakra. Okay, I think we're good.

[Brendane] And if y'all didn't know, or maybe I don't know. Tenisha, do you want to share your big three or whatever of your chart? You're comfortable sharing?

[Tenisha] Yes, I can do my tropical and my sidereal. Okay. Okay, so in tropical, I'm a Virgo Sun, Pisces Moon, and Capricorn - no Aquarius Rising in tropical. And then in sidereal I'm a Leo Moon, which I love. I love that for me. I love that for me. Because like, really, when I think about it, I do give very much Leo. I am a little self-centered. And Aquarius, Moon, Capricorn Rising. That's my big three.

[Brendane] That makes sense. I would say yeah, I'm in tropical, I am Gemini Sun, Pisces Moon, Scorpio Rising. So I be going through a lot. And in sidereal. I'm a Taurus Sun, Aquarius, Moon Libra Rising. So in both of them going through my own things, in all the ways, all the realities, all the stars. So we have the same moon. And I think that's part of our connection as well as in tropical we're both ruled by Mercury. So just know we be talking, we be talking.

[Tenisha] Actually, I'm just so in awe of you, and just like your work, and your dedication and commitment to word. Like, and when I say words, just like written word, academic words, spiritual word, like you're just so committed to word and like knowledge and education. And I'm just like, so in awe of your commitment to that and how you share that how you express it. And it's just like, you're such a multifaceted person. And you truly, truly give me like permission to be multifaceted. Like, in that first episode, you were talking about "Hiss" and like, you know, you shared the nuance, like, "I pick up this white lady book. I'll put it back down, but I picked it back up again, because I'm honoring the fact that there was something in there for me". So I just want to say like, you really give me license to just like, do it all, be it all. shout out to the Geminis. Shoutout to the Geminis.

[Brendane] Shout out to the Geminis. Everybody acts like they hate us, but it's really the ones born in Maine.

[Tenisha] And the ones that identify as male. Um, like, you know, I hate like, I really hate when people do that. But it's just like, I don't know, I don't know.

[Brendane] The ones who, I mean... If you did follow the "Who the Fuck Did I Marry?" Series. Reesa Teesa was married to a Gemini man.

[Tenisha] And I just wonder if maybe society doesn't allow men in certain regards to just even commit to being fully themselves? So maybe that has something to do with it?

[Brendane] I mean, but it's also like, you know, did he know who he was? You know, did- which-? Oh, that's, you know, that's another, that might be a part two. Like, we not gonna talk about - we might talk a little bit about patriarchy today. But like,do- do men know who they are? Particularly just do cishet men know who they are? And most of the time the answer to that is no.

Um, but yes. So let's go ahead and get started. And our first question that I have that we'll both - I guess we can both answer this and we'll talk about today we're going to talk about surrendering to power, self recognition, spiritual awakening and journeys and also just how we hold all these different parts of ourselves. Right? These, how do we integrate the fact that we have to live in this world, right, alongside our spiritual wisdom.

So we're going to cover a few topics today. But I want to start with, how will you know when you're free?

[Tenisha] When you first said that we were going to answer that? I just, Yes, I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready, because I've been thinking about this a lot. Honestly, since 2022, I've been thinking about this. And honestly, for me, it's not a matter of knowing when I'm free, but it's a matter of maintaining and sustaining my freedom. Because the crazy thing is - which is not crazy, It's crazy for me in this world as it is - but I know and understand that I'm free. And I don't feel like liberation is something that exists outside of us. There are many physical components that limits us, I believe, like limits. And I want to try to be more specific. Ah, sorry.

[Brendane] Oh, this is this is already great. Please don't apologize.

[Tenisha] Okay. But I truly, truly, truly, truly believe the understanding that liberation is something to be fought for. From the understanding that it's not something that you already possess, is very dangerous. Because I feel like in 2024, it's a privilege to know and understand that you are free - we are free, we are liberated. But there are circumstances that I think disconnects us, well, that can disconnect me from that understanding. So, but I'm free, I'm free, free indeed, and what the work is continuing to support my knowing in that. So for me supporting that, is knowing and understanding who I am. And based off of knowing who I am, I know what places and spaces are not for me. Because there are places and spaces that will fracture me and take me away from the understanding that I am free that I'm liberated. And so that's how I maintain the understanding that I'm free. And it's a spectrum, because every day, some days, I forget that. Some days I forget that. It could be I get triggered, it could be you know, I'm currently, my finances aren't the best. So I'm currently like cycling through poverty. So it's hard to understand, remember that I'm free when there's certain circumstances that limit me and doesn't allow me to express what I know to be true is that I'm free? So I am free. To answer that question, if that makes sense.

[Brendane] It makes a lot of sense. And I think you're speaking really to so many different kind of spiritual truths. So part of me is like, okay, let's break this down. Right.

So Tenisha is talking about actually recognizing that the world in the way that it is, is a distortion of how things should be. Alright, so the fact that racism, poverty, sexism, all these different phobias, right, exists, is not because that's naturally how the world is. But it's the way that Europeans and their descendants, right have shaped the world.

So the pursuit of liberation is not the pursuit of the impossible, it's actually the pursuit of what's already ours and the claiming of that. And so I think that kind of mindset towards movement work really allows us to build capacity, right? We're not fighting for something that necessarily is unimaginable, right? Depending on what standpoint you're in, we're fighting for something that was always already ours. And it makes me think about this oracle card that you pulled for me way back in the day, you know? Like I said, I've known Tenisha for years. And so, um, you did a reading for me one time. I was like, fresh out of a breakup in my boohoo world just, you know, I really should have been happy that the relationship was over. But I was not, and hadn't come to the truth that my, my freedom from that relationship was actually my right and what I deserve. But you pulled this oracle card that for me, that was "freedom is my divine right". And I still have it on a sticky note, like in my affirmations pile. And it was something that I had never even considered, right.

Freedom is not something that I'm striving for. It's not something that like, I have to argue with white people about. It's something that I actually just have to walk in. And that requires a level of fearlessness that I think most folks including myself on day to day like don't necessarily consider. And yeah, like, really freedom is my divine right. And so part of even naming the podcast like black. loved. free. was walking in that. And helping to build listeners understanding that, like, "this is who we are". And "this is what we're moving towards", right? We're aligning this reality with, like, who we are and where we should be.

[Tenisha] Thank you so much. Thank you. So and that's why we're talking about what we're talking about, because I have the knowing and the knowledge, and I just like how you like synthesized it and said, like, what I'm saying. Because like, that's, that's where that like the topic stemmed from is because like, I have so much knowings. And I'm just like, when I express it, I don't know, I don't feel educated enough to express it sometimes. Because like, naming certain things helps people understand and brings them in. But I think that might speak more to like, maybe the disconnect between my mind, body and spirit at times, but I'm not always integrated in that way. And so I'm feeling so much. So sometimes I don't always have the words. Like, so, thank you.

[Brendane] And you don't have to be educated in any particular way to know this. I think that's just like, literally... when you get beat down in a PHD, you know, you just learn, you learn how to like pull things together in particular way. But what you said was already clear, and I think it was layered in a way that if you had never considered freedom being your divine right, or freedom being who you are, and already a part of who you are; you know, just have take a couple steps to get there.

When I think about the world aligning with the truth, which is the freedom of black and indigenous people. Um, I think about food. I don't know, it's kind of always where I start, like, I get to eat stuff that's actually good for my body. Stuff that is like my ancestors ate, that they made good for their bodies, that may or may not be treated as like, good food. Um, I see children being able to be themselves, right children, as the category being abolished. In the sense that, wow, how do I say this without getting into my low tension, but the fact that right that we see children as beings that can't do anything. And then they turn 18, and all of a sudden, they're supposed to be able to do everything? Right? This idea of minor versus, you know, adulthood, is really a construction of like European society and capitalism.

Because we know that enslaved children, right or enslave little people were working right alongside their parents, right? They were working right alongside adults in their community, if they even could be around their parents, right? So they didn't have the same kind of things around childhood. So I see, I see childhood is something that is doesn't exist, but that young people are allowed to discover the world freely, discover themselves freely. This whole thing around gender and sexuality and this pronouns, this and this, that, that being out the window, out the door. And I'll say for myself, right, I have my own things about identity, like my own kind of academic things about that, that I guess I could try to explain but for me…

[Tenisha] I would love to hear that.

[Brendane] Yeah, like, for me, identity is something that basically, how I tell people, it's a shortcut for people to understand like how to oppress you. So it's not necessarily something that is like inherent right, like, being a woman is not inherent in anybody who identifies as a woman, because we all show up as women differently, right? And so this categories created to figure out okay, if you identify as a woman: this is how the world should treat you. If you identify as black: this is how you should see yourself, this is how the world should see you. If you identify as disabled, this is how you see yourself, and this is how the world should see you.

So for me, gender, like I say, I'm cis because that is how I show up in the world. Versus like, this is how I see myself like and I'm trying to make that clear. Like, I know that the way that I dress, the shape of my body, like the way that I move through the world, my hair; people are not going to look at me - and unless I'm being anti black - they're not going to look at me and see me as anything else but a cis woman. And so I identify as cis because that is how other people see me. And I know that that is my approach to gender, but to myself like, I don't care. I'm not attached to pronouns. Like to me pronouns are not an announcement of my gender identity, but I know that I also walk in a certain kind of privilege, right? So like, yeah, I have privilege around around my cis-ness. And I know for folks who are non-binary, who are trans, pronouns, and saying those as it is absolutely like, the literally the least you can do to respect them, right? Like the least you could do to respect them and their lives. And so that's never something that I would disregard for anyone else. But for myself, it's like, I don't really care what you call me, as long as it's respectful, and it's not like anti black. Yeah, that was a lot.

[Tenisha] No! I love that, thank you for offering that because I feel very similarly, um, I don't care either. But I just feel like I have to care. Because I'm like, everyone, I'm just like, it's just so amazing to see someone know, like, "Hey, this is how I identify". And it's so interesting, I had more trouble coming out as bisexual, which I'm actually pansexual that's what I would qualify under, but I genuinely at my core do not care. I identify as they/them. Um, even outside the understanding of non-binary, if that makes sense? Like, I identify as they/them, because I feel the world around me. And I feel like, there's a certain disconnect from the fact that we are all interconnected. So I say they/them to recognize our interconnectedness. And the fact that I feel y'all motherfuckers like, I feel you, I y'all motherfuckers in my spirit, I feel like in my heart. Like, we are all connected, and we have to be aware of that. So even my understanding of they/them, it goes beyond identity, and like gender expression, it goes into humanity. So it's just like, I actually don't care. And I often don't have the language. And also, it's important to understand how limited our language is to even express some of these things. So identity I never - similar to you - never want to discredit how people want to show up. And I always honor that as much as I can. Um, but to me, personally, I don't care. And it's very confusing to me to figure it out for myself. And I often don't have the words or the language, but I do identify as they/them to be like, hey, ya know? What you do impacts me.

[Brendane] Yeah, it's a signal, right? That's a signal to, at least for me how I read it or see it, because I remember the time that you kind of announced, and I use that language, like you invited us into your understanding of yourself. And I was like, absolutely, like not to be like, oh, yeah, you look like a they/them. But like, you know, you know, you move to the world, like someone who says, you know, these binary categories of understanding myself, my body, my relationship to others, just actually just does not fit me. And it actually really, for me, is a reflection of god, right?

Like, I see transness within a kind of western understanding, right, of choosing to be reflection of god, right, god does not - well, let me put it like this. The most high god, because there are multiple gods, the Most High god does not have a gender. Right, God is God, the Most High God does not have a gender. And then you know, it is western kind of conceptualizations of gender, because it's connected to property, right, it's connected to ownership, it's connected to capitalism, right, that creates these understandings that she/her means something in respect to he/him means something in respect to they/them or ze, or etc, right? And so we have all of these different categories, because people have been working to find the language for themselves.

And I honor and respect that, and also hold, like, if we think about that, this worldly wisdom and this spiritual wisdom, right, hold that God defies gender. And so when we when we uphold gender, right, it's like, okay, who are we serving? Because we're not serving ourselves. And I need black cis women to get on that, get on that boat. like we're not we're not serving ourselves by upholding gender because as black people were already written out of it in certain ways. And so gender is is intimately tied to race, intimately tied to class, is intimately tied to all these different things.

And so for me, freedom, the world aligning with the truth, right is being being able to determine myself for myself without the threat of harm, without the threat of danger. Without the threat of not having a safe place to sleep, or whatever I want to eat. That is in season, local to where I am for all the vegans out there who are - Anyway, let me stop taking shots at some people-

[Tenisha] I remember when I started eating meat, you were like “ooh, okay, because I just wanted to say-” “cuz I just think ancestrally it don’t make sense”.

[Brendane] Everyone was like our ancestors didn't eat meat, I was just like who are you talking to? Where your ancestors from? Are they from Earth? And that's a real question, Are they from Earth, because most of our ancestors were eating foods that were local, right? Your ancestors from West Africa, weren’t eating all the fruit that you see in the grocery store. So to say that, you know, having your dragonfruit, breadfruit, this-that, all the above food, is you going back to your ancestral practices; Your ancestors didn't have access to that? So what are you, what are you talking about?

[Tenisha] Damn sure not all year round

[Brendane] Not all year round. So that is a product of capitalism that's participating in a capitalist structure around food and eating and then trying to spiritualize it and say that you're growing closer to God, it's, it doesn't work for me. But you know, I'm done taking shots at people we can we can move to the next.

[Tenisha] Yes, move to the next question.

And just want to say yes, I fully support your idea of freedom and justice, abolishing this understanding of children. Because just like, there's so much autonomy, that we don't recognize in children as our understanding of them, which is very ironic considering that is such a developmental and pivotal stage of our life. So much of who we are stems from it, but it's so discredited and so discounted. So I also think, to abolish the understanding of children and what that means to be a child, to be subservient, to be obedient, to listen, which is giving very much what - slave mentality. You know, you know, you're seen and not heard, okay? Should very much just be giving support, support them. You just need support in those developmental years. You just need to be sowed into in those developmental years, like, you just need to know what your options are in the developmental years. That doesn't mean you're not going to be like, “hey, whoa, that don't make no sense. That's dangerous”. Like I don't know. That doesn't mean you can't provide wisdom. But to guide a child is a responsibility. And you have to also be accountable to that child. You have to offer them and respect who they are and what they're here to do. Point blank period. And so to abolish the understanding what it means to be a child, as a form of freedom, thank you for offering.

[Brendane] I think it would really do so much for, especially for black children, right, I think. But of course, we know, so much of what it means to be a child stems from this kind of Christian Puritan ethic. And you know, people will quote the Bible, and they'll, you know, whoop their kids or whatever, because they believe that as adults, they know so much more than their children or their children are incapable. Or they're taking their frustrations from their traumas, or their daily experiences living in a capitalist system out on these people who they chose to bring into the world.

And so I think, like, abolishing that category, and how and changing how we relate to younger people really would change, would move us closer to liberation.

[28:31] But let's move to our next question, which is, what are some of the spiritual lessons that you've learned over the course of your life? What is one that you've learned over the course of your life that deepened your spiritual journey?

[Tenisha] Because literally, as you said, that like literally, like it was giving, I was across several timelines at the same time.

So speaking from my body, and not what my head wants to say, and trying to speak from both places in my spirit once. I think if the prequintessential understanding is that I am God. The pre quintessential understanding. Now I am God. And for me, it's hard to admit that because we talked about earlier about this distortion that we're up against in terms of terms of like what we know to be true versus what we experience to be somebody else's truth. Knowing that I'm God has deepened my journey, because obviously we was inside in 2020, during the pandemic. And the New Age spirituality was pumping and dumping and thriving and I was just like, "This is my time" like, I've always been involved and like aware of occult and esoteric like knowledge and just, you know, I remember being a child just being like "Mom, can you buy me like a constellation" from like when scholastic books like because I've loved stars ever since I was younger, you know Harry Potter and the magic and the things of the things. I've always loved magic and spirituality and the stars, and 2020 showed me like, it is okay to be that person and to step into that. Um, but with that knowledge, there wasn't much wisdom and there was no foundation. And there's no framework for a lot of that knowledge. And so I'm very grateful for 2020 because it gave me the confidence to be my spiritual self and and finally engage with that from living a life where I was just mostly mentally present.

So the ability to now, you know, actualize my spiritual self while also being in therapy, so I get to actualize my emotional self. Um, that was such a beautiful time and to see everybody be like tarot cards, oracle cards, you know, like I'm doing Reiki, you know, I got certified energy healer, okay, we are out here we all started businesses like we doin' this like what! And then 2020 hit. And I experienced spiritual psychosis. Because what I had learned, didn't ground me and it could not support me in what I needed physically. There was no framework. There was no teacher, there was nothing that grounded me in myself, because everything I learned, in 2020, showed me or told me that the power lies outside of myself. And the knowledge lies outside of myself, there was nothing that supported the fact that this - the desire, and the interest started inside here first. So you know, obviously, there's a desire and internal desire. And it wasn't meant for me to give it away, it was meant for me to be curious and understand it, which I did. But then 2020 When I was going through hard times, and I needed God, the God that I have found, which pretty much looked like a white person on Instagram, a white guru, a white guru in Bali, my God was starting to look like a white guru in Bali, who had a very different life than me, who couldn't speak to a lot of things. That tells me that, you know, a lot of the things I've experienced in my life is because of my mindset, and I'm causing it. So there was no room for... so we can, I can understand the truth spiritually. But physically, there was no acknowledgment, there's there's between acknowledging and just like, acknowledgement is important to know that like, although I know the truth, this to be true for me, I can acknowledge all these other factors, and the spirituality that I had, came across in 2020, did not acknowledge so many facets of my being. And it didn't speak to many facets of my being. And I experienced spiritual psychosis. I couldn't trust my thoughts. I couldn't, I didn't know what the voices were. Was it my ancestors ,was it me? You know, because there was no grounding, there's no protection in a lot of that 2020 spirituality. There is no, nothing to reference, there's nothing to... Also, there's a thing about hierarchy and spiritual spaces, that is also a thing. But even in those in that understanding, there was nothing that encouraged me to understand and know that I got it, and it's in me, and I can trust what's in me, and I don't have to assume that I'm lacking and I have to seek that information somewhere else.

I think every spiritual journey should start with curiosity. And just from there, it should be, like, never move from a place of - I learned not to move from a place of lack. Understand, like, I'm going to honor this desire and source I ask that you bring in, you know, a resource to allow me to just elevate what I know to be true. Um, so yeah, just knowing that I'm God, and not fucking with just everything you see on the internet, and be quiet about your shit, and keepin' it cute. And knowing that spirituality is not an aesthetic, it's a lifestyle. It's a way to connect with your lineage. Spirituality is not buzzwords. And spirituality - If you didn't have a fucking Oracle deck or a crystal, that you are still all the things. And you're not just a spiritual person, you are mind, body, and spirit. So you can't just be spirit, you can't just be mind. You can't just be body. You have to experience for me. I think the experience is to be all those things at once.

[Brendane] No, like so many things that I just even listening to you. I'm like, Yes, I can completely resonate with that. I can see that and also, I think too, for me coming from a background where I grew up in two different kinds of black church background. So in the beginning of my life growing up, Seventh Day Adventists are the people who go to church on Saturday who think that everyone who if you go to church on Sunday that you're actually a heathen, and you're going to hell. And that was the first I would say, 10-11 years of my life.

And then at age 12, my mother joined a nondenominational black church that functions like a cult. And I'm learning there, right, that wasn't my body, my flesh in and of itself was full of the devil, even though God lived in me? It was it was sorta, you know, the things that kind of fundamentalist Christianity or really Christianity in general kind of teaches you. Which, particularly folks are drawn from the King James Version, right have to remember that King James pulled together that book called the Bible so that he could justify getting divorced. And they could justify the harm that they were doing to children, and to indigenous people all over the world. So folks can separate Christianity from its history to practice it, I think you kind of have to have some kind of psychic split in order to do that, like, I think you have to actually be in a state where your mind is disconnected from your spirit in your body, to practice Christianity and believe, believe a lot of its tenants. Particularly because of what it has done, it is continuing to do to the earth and to peoples on the earth.

But yeah, answering that space. So for me, like my spiritual awakening, or my first kind of break from what I learned as a child, and as a young adult, was when I started grad school, and it was like 2017, I realized that I didn't believe in Jesus anymore. And when I tell you that shit sent me!

I said, girl, what do you mean? I just sat one day, and it was like around Easter. And I was like, oh, "it's Easter today", when Easter used to be like a really big holiday growing up. Like you get your new outfit, you get your, we used to have a little ponytails. And there was one time I did an Easter dance at church and my ponytail flew off. And that was a moment.

[Tenisha] Stooop! *laughs*

[Brendane] But like, you know, it's a big deal! And then to literally evolve into a place where I'm like, oh, like, actually, I don't believe this anymore. This doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense to worship a God, who would tell me that everything with me, including my mind that he created, is wrong, and that I have to farm out all of my understanding all of my moving all of my being through the world to him. And the only way that this makes sense is through a colonial kind of lens, right? It actually only makes sense if you think about it as a religion that's used to like subjugate people.

And so in 2020, when I saw the tarot cards, and the oracle cards, all that stuff going up, I was like, I don't know, I don't see nobody black doing this. So I'm gonna move to find out more about like what black people are doing. And I started like, learning more about Ifa learning more about of African traditional spirituality. And that felt more of a grounding and a rooting for me, but I still approached it with a church lens, like, I would try to, like, go build an altar for my ancestors and be like, Oh, my God, I'm not doing this right, I, I have to put the crystals next to the water next to the next to the candle, and to come to find out like, all of that is actually not even, like, connected to the like, to the spirituality in and of itself. It's just other stuff that people have brought in from moving to the Americas.

But anyway, just being like, I'm not doing this, right, like, I'm just in my head still, still believing fully in sin, just transferring that belief, and that condemnation to something else. And that self condemnation to something else. And it really wasn't until the last like, yeah, the last year or so that I really started to, as you say, see myself as God, as God, as a reflection of God knowing my Ori, right is God like that is what's leading me and guiding me. And if I, I actually watch this YouTuber, who is a priestess in an African traditional spiritual practice. I can't I don't know if it's Ifa or Lukumi. I think it's, I think it's Ifa. But she also does astrology like Vedic Astrology and all this other stuff too.

And she was like, your spirituality, your spiritual practice, no matter what it is, should do two things for you: It should give you peace of mind, and it should allow you to move to the world without fear of yourself or others.

It should give you peace of mind. And it should allow you to move through the world without fear of yourself and others, right?

So if you're practicing a spiritual practice that doesn't allow you to love yourself, that actually causes you to have the, in order to observe it, have little psychic splits everywhere to get it done. Then it might not be a spiritual practice that's for you.

[Tenisha] That makes me feel good. I'm like, Okay, I'm there. I'm arrived. Because finally yes! I feel that right.

[Brendane] Right,like, and I think what you said was so, so poignant.

I just, I just, what I will say is that the category of human was invented when colonialism spread across the globe. And it was invented to include a group and to exclude everyone else who was already living their lives on the earth. So that's all I'm gonna say.

And I don't know if we ever talked about this. But yeah, like, I went to seminary school. So I even studied the Bible. I was like, a lil minister for a hot second. And so yeah, I really that's why when people be saying stuff, I'm like, do y'all know that's not in the Bible, but yeah, so like, when, like one of the central tenants of Christianity is when that god gave dominion to Adam and Eve over the earth, right?

Like, which again, was where Manifest Destiny, colonization, all of that kind of stems from these few verses where that god says, You are the rulers of the earth. Right? And if we think about the way that capitalist white supremacist, anti-black, anti-indigenous capitalism works, right is okay, this is our Earth, we are consuming it.

But before colonization, people weren't living that way, right? Like, there was a world where trash was not a thing. Like trash is a an invention, like, there was a world where like, folks didn't see trees and animals and things as raw materials for some purpose to grow business or development, whatever.

There was a world where like, housing actually moved with the earth or was aligned with the shape of the earth. So that earthquakes floods all these other things. Didn't leave people without housing.

[Tenisha] I just, I'm, I'm, I'm just like my whole shit is blown. Wow.

[Brendane] I'll say this. Like, I always feel kind of way when I see beings that are indigenous to the earth, folks that are black or non black people of color, call themselves star seeds, call themselves beings that aren't indigenous to this earth.

Just for the simple reason of how do white people get to be from here and we don't? I just don't, I don't get it. But that's that I guess I've already said what I said. So the workshop if I were to hold it, it would be called the white people are aliens. Well, that's why we didn't know is because they are they are the aliens. But yes. Um, yeah.

What do you love and appreciate about yourself?

[Tenisha] *mmmm* That cannot which be expressed, but only experienced! That sound, that *mmmm* , like to know me is to experience me. And that's what I love.

[Brendane] Period.

[Tenisha] I love when people experience me, when I'm in this space to be exposed to like, *Ahhhhhh*, I love that.

Oh yeah, I hope you'll feel me. I really hope you can feel me like *Ahhhh*. And that's a beautiful place. I'm actually gettin' emotional. It's a really beautiful thing for me to just be like, in awe of myself right now. Because that has been a journey, a journey. Um, but I'll just, I'll just start naming things that are a little bit more tangible. I love the self trust that I built with myself. Like I love that I have learned I'm not a quitter. I just really know what doesn't work. And that makes me seem like I'm saying no back to back with each operator. Unity or may seem like me not saying no for a long period of time to what opportunity.

For example, I guess jobs would be a good example just to be a little bit more specific. I may have three jobs in a span of six months, because I found out that doesn't work for me. And I may be with one job for 10 years. So I just love that I can trust myself. Oh, I just love that I can trust myself. I love that I can finally believe in myself. I love that I love myself. And I am currently in a in a chapter of like loving all of me.

And before I would say up until this point, I've been loving the good parts of me. I've been loving what it was easy to package and share with people, like I'm funny. I'm silly, I'm really personable. I'm warm I'm like, you know, I'm very supportive and nurturing. I'm a great cheerleader. One thing about me, I'm a great cheerleader. Um, but now I'm in a place where I'm loving all the other things that causes tension. And It only causes tension, because I haven't like really connected to it. Which is, for example, my ability to dig deep. I'm deep. I want to talk about deep shit. Like, I don't care. I mean, understand pop culture. I'm not opposed to pop culture, because I'm fascinated by people in general. So, you know, I'm on social media, like everybody else, for the most part. But I want to go deep, like, I want to know who you are. Like, I don't know how you got to this point, like, when I ask "how you doing?" I genuinely want to know. I'm the person who - and that might be the Pisces moon - where we at the function, and I'm over here talking about, you know, so tell me like...

[Brendane] Tell me about that childhood, that piece your childhood that you ain't told nobody else before. Or I'm sure as as a Pisces moon can resonate. And one of my best friends. She's also a Pisces moon. And we used to just be hanging out, and all of a sudden someone will come to us and be like, so this really traumatic thing happened to me, and I'm here to talk to you about it. We'll just be eating our food. And we'll be like, "Oh, okay", and now that I understand more about spiritual protection and boundaries, that doesn't happen to me as much. But when I was young, I was at the party being like, so you, you were your car broke down, and then this happened. And then this happened. Yeah. And you know, doing my thing. And I'm like, over here with you. We crying in the corner together like ?

[Tenisha] Yeah. Like now I know discernment. Like before, I didn't have the discernment, I didn't have the knowledge and the wisdom to know, like, maybe right now is the time to be asking about that, like, but I'm just saying, I love the fact that I have that ability. Like I'm in a place of like cultivating gifts. And that's what I haven't loved about myself are my gifts. Like, I haven't loved the fact that I have this penchant to dig deep. I haven't loved the fact that I'm just so, I'm currently getting messages like mentally, physically, spiritually, like, I'm always getting information from people even without me asking, even without me trying. Like, I always feel like I have to be smiling in people's faces. Because I can literally look at someone be like, Oh, you've been through some shit, like, some days, I can see see it on someone see what they've been through. And I just keep pushing, because I don't got it on me that day. You know what I'm saying?

So I haven't loved my gifts. And to not love them is to not engage with them. And as you say, I'm telling you, that podcast really did it for me, because you really just talk about how the truth in engaging with it really frees you up, and you have freed me the fuck up when I tell you. So you have a huge part of me honoring my, my gifts, because to not honor them and to ignore them is to not give me the chance to cultivate them and turn them off or not because they're just on perpetually, and that's why I'm exhausted. Because I'm not engaging with them, because I'm afraid of them. I feel like it makes me othered, I feel like it makes me a freak. And so now I'm in a place where going back to loving myself, I'm loving all the things that I can offer people, all the things that I can offer myself, like you know, that's where I'm at with it. Yeahhh!

What do you love about yourself?

[Brendane] What do I love about myself. Um, I want to say just to also share my love and appreciation for you. And yeah, just share that my deep love and appreciation for you. Like I said, we cousins you know, we cousins we out here and we Yes, we out here. And I think for me similarly, learning to love the gifts and not beat down on myself or pull or withdraw because the gifts draw people. People who who need healing and this is the way that I'll phrase it and My entire life.

Like, I got this very long reading done with a priestess or practitioner of these in African traditional religions and they were just like, girl, you spend your whole life trying to dim yourself, you spent your whole life trying to hide yourself and your ancestors, your spirits are like, absolutely the fuck not, no more. Like you cannot hide, you cannot continue to give your power away to other people, you cannot continue to give the accolades to others. You want to be a background character, because of what the people who, who were your enemies taught you, that's where you're supposed to be. Because when I, whenever I would take up spotlight, it would be an instinct kind of. Literally like growing up in that culty church being told and being reinforced that actually I was possessed with demons is what these people told me, right, like, I was possessed with demons.

And what I've come to love and learn about myself is that I enter into people's lives when they need a mirror or reflection of what they need to heal. I bring people closer to themselves. And whether that self is good or bad, like my presence in your life will bring bring you closer to that. And some people don't love themselves enough or are so fractured, so incredibly fractured, that all they can do once they look at themselves Oh, is trying to break the mirror and stab me with pieces of it. That's a really vivid image of it. But like, like that's like. And what I've had to learn is like, actually, like you said, like, I can see especially now as I develop like my Reiki stuff, like I can see curses on people.

And this is my first time like publicly saying this, I can see curses on people. I can see like, I can see when there is something else. And I'll say the bad habit of my job my Pisces Moon is I used to approach that with curiosity. I used to approach that with "Well, let me see if there's something good underneath this. Let me see". And then I would get in romantic relationships with, with people like that. And that was, that's that's not what you do. That's not how you you don't approach that with the kind of curiosity that I had. Because you will learn you will learn. But it comes at a cost ands like. But yeah, like being able to see these kinds of things on people being able to really see people for who they are, I think that's the gift of Pisces is that you're able to see people for who they are. And sometimes that does not align with how they actually live. And so I think the like when people call Pisces, like Pisces placements, delusional, it's like, yeah, no, we're not actually sitting with the reality, we're actually seeing you for who you are, who you have the potential to be and it's in. For me, it's learning that people have to make the choice to go there. And that people can't like, I can't think so low of myself and my healing energy that I'm just out here open to whomever and whatever. But the abuse that I endured as a child and in the church really left me open to that. Like I was taught that I'm supposed to give my all to people who will hurt me, I was taught, I was taught that that is how you show love. That is how you show God's love is that you leave yourself open to abuse, you leave yourself open to these things.

And so learning that that's actually not the kind of love that I need to lead the life that makes me happiest. I love and appreciate that about myself. But it's really only like the last year or so that I really kind of stepped into that.

And the like. Like, I was really thinking about this the other day, like, when I was a teacher, I had so many students who would like who by the time I finished teaching, and I was telling I left they would be like, you know, Miss Tynes you saved my life. Having you as a science teacher saved my life. And for some of them, it was like quite literally kept them from taking away their soul from the world. And to witness that and to say, okay, you know, all I did was show up and teach y'all niggas about cells, you know, like all I did was was coming to the room and be a smiling encouraging face for you to for some of them. Yeah, I brought you food. Yeah, I brought you clothes. Yeah, I brought you money to do whatever you need to do. Yeah showed up because I knew your mama wasn't going to come to this or Yeah, I wrote this letter for you. So you could have this job or go to college or do that. But just knowing that just doing these things that to me, because I didn't see myself as good or worthy, right? These things seem very small. But now that I see myself for who I am, it's like, oh, no, like, these were big gifts to give that allows someone to like, move on. So yeah, love that about me.

I think I'm growing to love my body more. Because of all the shame that I've experienced around that growing up. And learning to love myself enough to like I said, not entertain my curiosity around being like, I'm trying to get to that Virgo, knowing where y'all be like, absolutely fuck not like, from jump. Like, I just need to get there.

Because I will literally be like, oh, this person, maybe let me see. And then they do something. And I'm like, Oh, I knew this. I saw it on you. I don't know why I didn't just get the fuck on. So that's where I'm growing. I'm growing in love.

Yeah, I think though, part of like, evolving is moving to spaces you haven't been in before. And you have that like discernment. Whereas me, it's like life, my life lesson is building that, like it's building. Well, my mom said, when I was a child, they could always tell if somebody in the room wasn't a good person, because I would start crying. I would start acting up. Like, if somebody picked me up, and let's say, this person caused harm to children, I would immediately start crying and like, they will put me down and I would run away. And so my mom said, from that point, she knew that like, Oh, if this man picked me up, like he was not a good person, she said, I had a spirit of discernment. And then of course, experienced what I experienced, to separate my mind from my body and my spirit. So I'm coming back to that, like, I'm coming back to that knowing that I had that as a child, with the knowledge of this is what happens when you just jump in. You just jump in an explorer, with curiosity, and then you, you know, curiosity gets the cat, you know, so.

We, in our doc, we talked a little bit about like, the room for integration and where that is. And I think that in order for us to align with the world with the truth of the world, which is that we are free, that integration of what is happening in the physical is necessary is important with what we know to be true in the spiritual realm. And it's something that my Piscean self, I'm always like, okay, yes, I prayed about it, and I gotta do the work, you know, yes, i- Yes, um- it's on my altar, I've lit my candles I've given my offerings. And I have to heed what's what's I've been told to do. And that can be really difficult to stand in both worlds.

But I think what's what one way that I will say what's really helped me with understanding that is really thinking in the academic sense, right? That an either/or binary is purely a European knowledge construct. Like it can't, we can't be fully spirit, we can't be fully physical. That's actually impossible to believe that means that you are really deeply invested in European constructs of life. And I don't know if you're into like, reading big books, but there is actually a book that I can recommend to you. That really, she is an African scholar. She says "Okay, Europeans from page 1 to 600, you 'bout to get it".

So it's really, it's really helpful for really seeing, like how this either/or binary has descended from European and Greek philosophy and how that has been used to oppress African peoples and other indigenous peoples around the world. So for the listeners, you know, it's called Yurugu. I've mentioned it in the last episode. And it's by Marimba Ani and for you, Tenisha I will send you a copy.

So as you're as you're learning about integration too like, what are some things that you kind of keep him in your mind or your body, your spirit, your heart, as you try to move through the world as this powerful spiritual being?

[Tenisha] First of all, thank you. Gracious to receive a copy. Thank you so much.

Um, no, obviously what you just said. I, I think what you said would be my response is just that you can't be one thing. I really thought I could just spiritually transcend myself up out of here. I've always regarded my body with, I've always told my body it was a burden. I've told my body it's too much. Like, I just fed you, I just washed you like, again, we have to do this? You know, so I've always approached my body my very like physical form, I've always been very harsh with it. And so now because mentally on lock, spiritually on luck, um, but because of circumstances that happened to my childhood I've been, as you've been saying, fractured, I've been disconnected from my, my body, I told myself, my body is not a safe place to be because unsafe things happened there.

So, now I'm finally in a place where I'm like, All right, come on team huddle, inner child, younger teenager self, early 20s. When I'm out here drinking, trying to cope and figure things out and just do really unhealthy things, I have us all huddled together. I'm like, in my 30 years of age, I'm just like, alright, team, this is what we're doing. We're here. Like, let's put all our experiences together, we are what, we are here, we are present. And it has been, I've actively been doing this probably for the past month, and it has been so unbelievably hard. It has been so unbelievably uncomfortable. But I know what is on the other side of it, which is me continuing to maintain and uphold my freedom and what I know to be true. And for me, what's blocking my freedom is my lack to connect to my body. And so that is what I've learned is that for where I'm source has told me where I'm going, I'm going to need all of me. A source has told me it is time is time and that is the work. So that's what I've learned. All of you, you gotta do, you gotta bring all of you, you got to because you experienced things on every version of yourself every part of yourself. So that's what I've learned. Like you gotta you gotta be in the body. And I'm so excited to see how knowing that will transform my life knowing that will transform my life in terms of even just like working out, or if nourishing myself, or how I choose to be consistent, or I choose to be disciplined and all these lovely buzzwords.

[Brendane] We here, we out here. And I don't like the word discipline either. I sometimes when I'm like "okay girl, switch it up in your brain. Reframe". I'm a good reframer, devotion. So it's not about, it's not about you know, pop pop.

Because again, I took like I said, I had to get out the kind of "right or wrong. sin is bad" kind of thing. And like reframe sin as: I'm sinning if I'm not doing things that are in my like, calling or purpose. So me showing up as my inauthentic self is is a sin. That's the sin okay, but everything else is me learning, right? It's discovery, but also developing practices of devotion to myself and to my ancestors. And understanding that it's coming from a place of love. So I don't need to pat my hands, myself on the head if I'm not doing it. Right or if if I fall off... I remember I talked to this spiritualist and they were like, literally just just apologize and do better. And I was like, "What do you mean? Don't I need to atone?" like don't I need to just... What do you mean I'm still dealing with this Christianity stuff, huh? Oh, that's how deep it goes. It's deep. It's so deep.

So yeah, just like knowing that every day is a practice of devotion. And something else that you said too, about, like the grounding in myself and also in a teaching in this kind of like having some kind of root system is extremely important. So that you're able to integrate and bring all these parts to yourself so that you're not just picking and choosing what you see on Instagram and saying, "Okay, I'm going to do this manifestation ritual with these oils from this person. And I'm going to do this, this astrology something whatever from this person, and I'm going to do this thing from this person. And then I have my grab bag of things", and you know, you're out here casting spells and, and you know, doing all the things that are actually bringing harm to you. Which can do harm to you, especially if it's against what your ancestral practices are.

Shout out to the white folks who do voodoo or do other things and then end up cursed or dead. Like, please understand that you cannot approach spirituality with a colonial mindset. It is not just I pick and choose what I want to do it. There are spiritual rules.

[Affirmation 1:04:51] How I normally wrap up episodes is through like affirmations, reflections and questions. So I think with this episode, we, both of us can offer an affirmation for the listener. And maybe could be one that has really helped you in your spiritual journey, your spiritual development? And I think I'll just repeat the one I said earlier about freedom being a divine right.

So , I'll repeat that one.

[Tenisha] Yeah, I have my journal here.

[Brendane] Do you have one in mind? We'll just like say it, and that'll be how we close out.

[Tenisha] I like to highlight things that just stick out to me. And I feel like it's kind of like when they say go to a book and flip through it, and that whatever you see is, that's the message. And so it's really interesting that this is what came through. But I was, um, I think reflecting here on like mind - body connection. mind - body - spirit connection, and I offered up a definition for what it means to be in tune. And I define being in tune as "a call to reflection". I define being in tune as an affirmation and also define being in tune as "a chance to hear your mind, body, and soul speak", "a commitment to being reconnected to yourself".

[Brendane] “A commitment to being reconnected to yourself”. I'm taking that, I'm taking that one with me.

My affirmation is that,

“freedom is my divine, right. I can achieve anything. I lovingly nurture my creative works, myself, and my being”.

So that is what I'll offer.

[Closing 1:06:26 ]

[Brendane] And I want to thank you all for tuning in to our first interview. We're going to have hella guests on here, but I'm just so honored and pleased that Tenisha was our first and so thank you, thank you, again, and it's also good to see you again.

And so, we are going to go ahead and close out.

And with that said, may you find a sacred soft place to care for yourself and for others. May you radiate in the truth that you are the one who saves you, and may find the strength to be black, loved and free.

Until next time, bye!